This site has sort of become an archive for me. The only poetry I really write now is for fictional purposes, either in a story, or for NERO. In a way, I miss the way I wrote, that you’ll see below and in the following pages. However, having a slightly more stable mind and life are more important to me. I still paint, and have gotten more into photography though, and you can see a lot of my work here, at deviantArt
Let me know if you like a specific piece, if you’d like to use one for something, or even if one offends you. You can reach me at david.vanness@yahoo.com
I'm just going to post what I've managed to write since spring... and if someone is interested in seeing the old stuff, just click on the old candle picture below. OH... and if you think a poem is about you... ask... because sometimes I combine issues to make for a better piece.
Ache
Biting back these silly tears
My eyes drooping as the clock ticks by
But needing to be near you
In however a tiny way
Thanksgiving feels a little colder this year
It might be the weather,
My joints ache like the cold always brings
But your absence is an ache in my heart
That echoes those in my bones.
How do I express how I miss you
Without making you feel guilt for your absence?
How do I say I love you
Without making it seem like a taunt?
I can only hope you’ll understand
Without torturing yourself.
There’s no need for you to echo my silly tears
Nor my aching joints.
Corner
He conned you, fooled you
Made you believe he loved you
He protected you, took care of you
Made you feel beautiful and loved
Only to rape you, take everything away
Told you it’s all you’re for.
Years go by and you get away
Not completely, but at least away
Then you meet me--
I tell you you’re beautiful
And I try to make you feel loved
I’d give the world to protect you
And try so hard to take care of you
But he was already there, in that space
I would kill or die to be in
But I was too late
He had already been in my corner,
and tore it down.
5000 Miles
Trying not to lose my mind
One more time
Oh, yeah what a good time this is
A lady I love just swallowed a bottle of pills
And I’m sitting here, hands tied
Fucking gag shoved in my mouth
Want to scream, cry
Tear this fucking room apart
Right down to the holes in the plaster
But this goddamned gag wont let a word out
And my arms are too heavy to lift my hands
To pull it out of my mouth
Tried painting it out but the picture’s distorted
So she thinks I’m angry at her
But it’s this fucking helplessness
Nobody can seem to understand
How having my hands tied is tearing my heart out
And the gag won’t let me explain
So now I’m writing, trying to express pain
And all I can do is fucking tear my hair out
Speechless at all the wrong times
My timing as horrid as ever
And when I’d try to help
The fucking gag proves how worthless I am.
Cold Road
Tearing my eyes out with tears
My heart out with screams I don’t dare voice
Only whispering now for fear of pushing you away
Will I ever be sure you won’t say goodbye again?
Will I ever stop waking in cold sweats
Wondering if you’ve walked that cold road?
You keep asking me why I’m careful
With the words I say to you, how I say them
Maybe it’s just that I’m afraid you’re not really there
Lie to Me
Tell me you'll never leave
lie to me, please
Tell me you'll let me need you
promise you love me
and you're sure.
Your heart won't change in a week and a day
lie to me, please
Tell me that you'll help me heal
you'll be patient, not hurt by my tears
'Cause they're not from you.
Please say you can deal with it all
my distrust, my rage, my hate
lie to me, please.
Twist the Blade
Twist the blade again, beautiful
Show me what you really feel—
Better that than this emptiness you’ve left me
Some days I’d love to hear what
You could possibly say
How you can look at your self in the mirror
Knowing you’ve abandoned the only person
Who stood by you when you fell.
So twist the blade again, sweetheart
And tell me what’s in your heart
Is it anything like the bitterness burning in me?
I loved you more quickly and openly
Than anyone I’ve ever known or touched
And you, shocked, said that your heart
Swelled in love the same as mine
You were terrified—but now you run?
Ghost Mask
Putting on the Ghost Mask again
Like I did so many years ago
‘cause I’m so far gone that
this pain can’t hurt
only makes me that much more numb
Can’t deal right now—timing’s just not right
So I’ll slip on the Ghost Mask again
And hope it’ll all go away
Gotta keep it together
Just can’t afford to fall down now
Eyes losing focus on people again
The cold in my veins feels good
Like a long lost bitter love
Mouth set in a curved line
I start to fade away
I forgot how much I liked the shadows
I hide in when I don’t want people to see
So I don’t have to be alive
Or be anything to them
Knives
When all the faces fade from this crowded room
And the laughter dies to distant echoes
Will anyone care, or notice when this pale jester
Retires at last from the stage?
When the silence rises till it’s deafening
And the tears fall so silently their splashing raises alarm
Might it perhaps be better the room is empty,
And holding no more knives to slide beneath your skin?
Prize
Woke in the gray early morning today
Just in time to see the sun blaze orange as it wakes
Stealing my gray, but failing to brighten me.
I’m sitting on the edge of her bed,
Hung over from the night’s chardonnay
And the desperate grasping of us both
I’m speachless
I look at her, but all I can think of is you,
She’s rolling over, her hand sliding over sheets
Wandering in her satisfied almost sleep
Where her prize is, where I am
I know that’s all I am to her, a prize she stole from you
She still thinks it was sweat dripping from my face
Down to the cheap carpet of her living room
Or to her breasts…
She thought my sobs were cries of passion
Or, if I’m wrong
She knew what they were with sadistic glee
And I don’t know which would be worse.
Set Me Free—04-28-03
For months I’ve tried to pretend you were gone
So you didn’t matter
And all those nightmares were just bad dreams
That would go away in time,
But once in a while I find myself saying something
Like those words I used to say to make you laugh
Through your little stuffed friends
And I can barely keep from crying.
I wanted to think you didn’t mean all those bitter words
That tearing my heart out and leaving my mind all but shattered
Were accidents from your hurts,
But I just can’t believe that anymore.
So for all this time I’ve tried to pretend you didn’t matter anymore
And I’m not used to feeling this way about anyone
Who hasn’t beaten a woman I care for.
I guess you’re special that way…
‘Cause for the first time I can say three magic words
That I never could say to you face.
Honestly I think I’m a little angry with myself
That I never could tell you
And yesterday I picked up the phone thinking I could tell you.
Would it really be worth the trouble?
Do I really want to give you the satisfaction
Of hearing words for an emotion so strong from my lips?
I really don’t think that I do.
Though that might be because I’m still a little afraid of you.
I know you’re wondering just what three words
Could make me devote so much time to writing this down
I know all I can think is that they might finally
Set me free.
I’ve got more love in my life now than you could
Ever fathom or even understand
So these three little words for you aren’t quite
What you might be hoping for.
Now finally I can whisper three magic words
That’ll finally set me free
Finally close my eyes and let love fill me
Because I don’t have to be afraid of you anymore.
I loved you, and I tried to be who you needed
But I fucked up once, and you never let me forget
Or even begin to forgive myself.
You’re not saint or goddess so fuck you
These three words are so bitter flowing off of my tongue
But I savor every bite…
May they bring you every ounce of agony you’ve ever
Gifted me with or wished upon me.
I hate you.
This was all written on the page when I came in to edit it. I didn't want to delete it, but don't feel like creating a new page to store it, so I shrank the font and put it down here.
I'm back again, this time just reworking the front page and leaving all the old stuff as it is. So much has changed since the last time I updated this site, and today I feel as if I'm a slightly different person than I was. For the first time, I feel like I'm a significantly better person. I have a pile of people to thank for that, and to protect the innocent (or in some cases the guilty) I'll only refer to most of them by the names I've given them.
First I have to thank Sunset for being here so many times when I've lost it, for all the tears she's dried and all the times she's given me something to do besides sit and drink alone. You are an amazing woman, and without you I'd have long since been put in a home.
Poco... Brother, what can I say? It's been too long for real words, and print on the web is too weak. Thanks for everything over the last 16 years.
My Moon... where would I be without you at this point? So many years, so much trash between us, and yet we always come to this point, watching eachother and hoping for the best from afar. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, eh? .
Karen... between you and your kids, you've kept me from cracking and made me laugh just when I needed to more times than I can count, and I'll never be able to thank any of you enough.
Kestrel... you confusing, irrational irritating little bitch. If I hadn't learned to trust you, I might never have learned to trust anyone new again. No matter how much you've pissed me off, thank you for that. I miss you, and I hope you finally send me that letter sometime soon
Lastly, and most recently, I have to thank Angel. Despite the wierdness of these few days, and that things haven't gone exactly as I'd hoped, you've shown me some things in myself and in the world I haven't seen in a very long time.
I can't even start to thank my blood family, but they don't really come here, so hopefully they won't be offended that I haven't itemized!
I know I've missed people... and I'm sorry if anyone's offended.... I really didn't leave anyone out purposely! Also, please, please no-one be at all offended by anything I say, or my names for people... some are from songs, or from things I've written, they all mean something, but I'm betting they don't mean what they think you do!!
